No seriously…, I am.
Many Indonesian youngsters joke about someone being autistic, or they would call weirdoes autistic. Sad really, but most of them don’t even have a clue on what autism really means and I am not about to enlighten you all by giving a thorough elucidation on it. That is for Google to solve, if you bother at all.
Just for your extra information… I am not too severely autistic a person, so I don’t bang my head against the wall for comfort. Asperger syndrome is probably a better way of putting it. I do, however, repeat the very last word I say for eternity until the next last word is said. When I was little, this used to drive my father mad. He would just snap at me and tell me to stop it. By now, I am a grown woman and I manage to repeat such words only in my head so it no longer shows.
Tapping my toes (against the floor/shoes/whatever) on the other hand, is still very much prevalent to date. I tap my toes for every single time I go pass a post (or pole) such as: lamp post, electricity post, tv aerial post, basket ball ring post, or any kind of post. So when I’m in a car on a high way, chances are I will be tapping my toes quite a lot since there will be many, many, lamp posts to go by (sometimes I’d count them as well). But why would I do that?? In all honesty, I have no idea. I just do.
Parents with autistic children… don’t worry too much! It’s going to be alright. 🙂 I managed just fine. Even better- I seem to have the ability to remember better than most people and my attention to detail is impeccable. The condition does confine my social life, but everything else seems to be in place. I did well in school, had good careers, and now I am (hopefully) a good wife & mother.
Back to topic. I blog because I am a really quiet person. I never really have the urge to do casual chit-chat. On top of that, I don’t like loud noises. Loud noises hurt me somehow (but my husband never understands it since he keeps sticking his finger into my ear. He thinks my over-reaction is funny :-)). This is one of the reasons I don’t like going to a party or a night club, it is just plain torture.
I blog because there is so much more going on in my head than there is outside my skin. When I hang out with my friends, I want to say so much, share so much, and speak so much. But I can’t. I have always been the quietest one in the gang. The bore of the party. Sure I’d say things that is important or of great substance (like: “I am hungry”, or “I need to find the toilet”) :-), but the art of social small-talk is seriously not my forte.
I blog because I can’t hold eye contact. Not because I don’t want to, but because I physically cannot hold it. It literally pains me to force eye contact. So when I speak to people I will look pass their right shoulder, or I would do some hand gesture and end up looking at my hands’ movement. I’d do anything but look at the eyes of the people I talk to. Blogging, in contrast, doesn’t require me to hold eye contact.
I blog because I have trouble expressing my feeling. I somehow keep it all quite. I don’t make a huge deal when I like something, or when I don’t. I don’t laugh, I don’t cry. I suffer silently, I celebrate silently (exceptions applied for my husband of course, he receives crude craps from me on a regular basis :-)). A normal reaction I give after hearing some great news and/or terrible news is: “Hmm…” followed by a nod.
I don’t want to be reclusive, I simply don’t know how to be any other way. But blogging is a totally different thing, I can type anything I want, I can type anything I feel, it helps me in some ways…
I know this blog belies the fact that I am a quiet person or socially challenged. But I really mean it when I say I am not funny. I have never made any joke my entire life, ever. I also know that this blog gives the illusion that I am a lively person, I hope so anyway. That is the main reason I blog, to show people that I am actually lively, that I have more to say, that things are going on upstairs. For long, my liveliness has been contained in this little thing called my head, but I want to share it with the world… I want to be like most people I know… I want to speak…
I write this to all the people functioning with Asperger syndrome…, to all the children suffering from autism…, to us…!
Dian Retno Wulandari.
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