I sometimes don’t understand the way people think… Like when I see a beggar reaching out to me with his dirty hands, showing his dirty teeth off to me through his pitiable smile, and at the same time he is smoking, and sitting next to a few empty beer bottles. How can he think that I will think that he deserves my pennies? I don’t understand the way he thinks. Another example is… I don’t understand it why some people like to gamble. Isn’t it so obvious that they are just throwing money down the drain? Well, people say it is actually the thrill that they are going for, not the money. Still I don’t understand it… how can it be thrilling to do something where you have to give up money for nothing? But it’s for the thrill…! But it’s for nothing…! A vicious circle… I totally don’t understand it…
A revelation came to me this weekend… After spending a whole night long of just thinking… (no intelligent thoughts mind you) I realize that I don’t even understand the way I think. Why do I think in a certain way? Why do I think that I shouldn’t change the pillow cases if I were not to change the whole bedding set? Why do I think that it is better to buy fresh vegetables and not use them and then throw them into the bin rather than freezing them in the first place?
I started this blog just over 2 weeks ago. At that time, I thought… I would post at least once every 4 days, and believe me… I think about it every day. I have so much going on in my head that I knew I could do it, and yet… here we are… well over 14 days and not a single post is published since I started. See… this is also how I don’t understand myself. Somewhere deep inside, I don’t feel like I deserve to be blogging. The whole notion of just sitting and writing what I have in my head is like a luxury. Like the kind of thing only Michelle Obama has the right to do… or Taylor Swift. 🙂
I kept saying to myself that I would claim this luxurious time (=write blog) when I am done with my duties and don’t have anything else to do. Anything at all…! Rather like having a long hot bubbly aromatic bath in the evening… You deserve it only after you have done everything else needs doing in a day. So what is it needs doing in my simple life as a housewife and a stay-at-home-mother? To name a few: I need to clean up the mess on the dining table that has been sitting there for weeks, I need to brush the rug with dry foam, I need to be a good-well-informed-discussion-mate for the master degree my husband is taking, I need to scrub the toilets, I need to call the plumber, I need to organize my hand bags, I need to put the suitcases away, oh I don’t know… I lost track of what needs doing. What I do know is… writing a blog is last in the list. Oh I forgot to mention that I also need to look after my little son. That alone can feel like a space and time continuum. The whole feeding, bathing, playing, reading, napping, sleeping, toilet training, nappy changing, blah blah blah… I don’t even know when one ends and the next begins. Just this one duty (mothering) is time consuming, let alone the cooking, toilet scrubbing, reading, organizing, paying the bills… Oh how endless.
Look… I am not complaining here. Ok? I am just illustrating how I think where I don’t understand my own thinking. What makes things more and more chaotic is the vicious circle (=lingkaran setan) I get myself into. Example: “Oh I have a great thought about something! I should write it in my blog!” The thing is, I immediately think that I should not write my blog before I brush the rug with dry foam, or before I finish reading the modules from my husband’s master degree course, or before I clean the mess on the dining table… and since I cannot do it, or don’t want to do it, I decided to just watch Teletubbies on TV with my son.
To make it simple it is like this:
I want to blog. — But I should do things before I can blog. — But I don’t want to do those things. — So I watch TV instead.
How does that make sense? Well, it doesn’t. That is why I say I don’t understand the way I think.
The next question arises… What brought me here? Writing away for my blog? Have I finished all things need doing? No… my friends… Not at all… This is a result of a whole night worth of thinking… I have failed my husband in being a good class mate for him. See… he is taking a master degree in Technology Management, and it is an online course from a renowned university in England. But since it is online, and we are in Ghana, it is impossible for him to attend study groups or students meetings, so I offered myself to be a class mate, whom he can discuss things with, who knows what is going on in the course. To be a good class mate (even though I will not earn any qualification at the end of it) I should read everything he is reading in order for us to embark on a quality discussion regarding the course. But I haven’t been doing it well. In fact, I failed miserably.
I let my husband down… I know for sure he won’t say I have…, but I know better. My own vicious circle… my own brain… my own thinking… and yet I don’t understand it… In the end I get nothing done in my life. Since I don’t want to scrub the toilets, I don’t want to clean the dining table, I don’t want to brush the carpet, I might as well do what I want… instead of what I need.
And I… want to blog! Here it is… one thing done. I know this ain’t no Taj Mahal. 🙂 But am I allowed to feel a little proud of myself…? I finally break the vicious circle!
Dian Retno Wulandari. A confused young woman.
PS: I need to understand myself more.
PPS: I will clean the dining table right after I post this